Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Trump Stumps for 19th Amendment Repeal

Candidate Trump Wants to End Women's Vote

by Knott Laiklie

In a closed address at a meeting of the Conservative Confederate Men's Club of Georgia, Donald Trump, erstwhile candidate for President who claims to be a Republican, hinted at his plans for women if he wins the November 8 election.

"We have a real problem here, believe me," He said to the group, according to one attendee who declines to be named. "It's women. They're not planning to vote for me, I hear. That's evidence that they are all poopy-pants non-thinkers, I'm telling you." He continued, "Just look at Rosie O'Donnell and those harpies on the View. They know nothing about how tremendously well I'll treat all those little ladies in America. Count on it! I will return women to the days when they didn't have to go out on a job and let them return to eating chocolates and watching soap operas until it's time to make supper for their hard-working husbands."

Even in that Georgia enclave of misogynistic males, a quiet gasp was heard. "The trouble is that we ever allowed them to vote. That was a really dumb thing to do. Once I'm elected, I'm going to single-handedly repeal that 19th Amendment fiasco. I love women, as you all know. At least the hot ones, of course...no, just kidding, right? We need women to do the job they were made to do: satisfying their husbands and creating new people. Trust me, once we get women back in the kitchen and out of the boardroom, America will return to being the great country it was before WW1, trust me."

He then cautioned his audience, "Now don't go spreading this around, you know. Instead, get absentee ballots and make your wives, sisters and daughters vote for Donald Trump. Take those ballots and mail them yourselves. You have to watch those cheating women. They'll go into the voting booth and cancel out your vote if you let them, I can tell you."

After a standing ovation, Trump left the stage and was whisked away to his jet.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Trump Attorneys Preparing Post-Election Lawsuit

Donald Trump Plans to Sue Voters if He Loses

Moose O'Lini

Putative Republican nominee Donald Trump has a surprise up his Chinese-made sleeve if he loses the election in November. According to sources intimate with his campaign, a team of unemployed lawyers is drawing up a lawsuit to be filed the day after the election. If The Donald™ fails to win the election, he will sue all U.S. voters for failing to elect him as President, seeking $315 billion in damages.

One of the attorneys on the team, speaking off the record, said, "Mr. Trump has become very successful through similar lawsuits in the past, so why not sue the entire population of the United States? After filing a bankruptcy plea on behalf of his campaign, we will immediately file suit against the population in a reverse class-action tort claim. Candidate Trump stands to collect $1000 from every person holding U.S. citizenship once we win this lawsuit. It's tremendously brilliant."

Such a lawsuit would apparently be unprecedented in US jurisprudence, and demonstrates Mr. Trump's creativity and unrelenting avarice in pursuing his personal goals. Even if settled out of court, U.S. residents could be forced to pay the loser of the 2016 election, giving him a much-needed financial boost and giving the public a firm poke in the eye. The attorneys preparing the case expect it to continue all the way to the Supreme Court.

Friday, April 1, 2016

Primates to Vote in General Election

New Rules Allow All Sentient Primates to Vote

By Babs Boone

Reaction was swift today to the announcement that primates have the right to vote. The photo below tells the entire story:

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Bundy Bums Militia Wants No More Dildos

Bundy Invaders Demand End of Dildo Shipments

Nomor Penes

Ammon Bundy and his merry band of trespassers on the Lake Malheur Wildlife Preserve have been receiving all sorts of support from outside in their standoff in Burns, Oregon. Some of the items they've received, however, are not being well received. According to Bundy, "People have been sending us penis-shaped candies and sex toys like dildos. What's that about? We don't need that stuff. We're all red-blooded American men and have our own home-grown sex toys. We have everything well in hand here."

The source of these unwanted sexual items is unknown, but rumor has it that they were sent by people who felt sorry for the "patriots" and wanted to send them something special to help them weather their long siege. Although the militia wannabes apparently have access to federal computers on the site, it's not clear whether they have been able to break through the controls on those computers to access their favorite porn sites, so the dildos and other equipment were perhaps an attempt to give them an alternative.

Bundy said, "If people want to send something useful to us, why didn't they send us something like Fleshlights or RealDolls. Now that would make sense. What do we need with dildos? What on earth could we do with those?"

It's unknown how long the erstwhile paramilitary group can hold out, but unless they get relief soon, tensions may build. A federal agent, who asked to remain anonymous said today in a private meeting, "We could move in and take this group of morons, but we figure they'll eventually get bored and wander off toward home, so we're just biding our time."

Friday, January 8, 2016

Breaking: Justin Bieber Endorses Sanders

Sharp Drop in Polls Due to Bieber Endorsement

by Millie Neal

Following the public announcement by former tween celebrity Justin Bieber endorsing Bernie Sanders in his primary race for the Democratic nomination, Sanders saw a sharp drop in poll numbers in both Iowa and New Hampshire. A call to Sanders campaign leaders brought a quick response.

A campaign official high in the Sanders hierarchy said, "We categorically reject the endorsement of this has-been entertainer. We are strongly supported by millennial voters and they tell us that Justin Bieber is so five years ago."

Bieber responded with, "Yeah, whatevs. Maybe I'll switch to Trump. I like his hair." He then sped off in his Ferrari 488 Spyder, but got only two blocks before totaling it into a power pole.

Monday, January 4, 2016

The Democratic Party Revolution Will Not Be Televised

Networks Postpone Revolution Coverage Indefinitely

Losten Spaese

March 2, 2016, New York
With Bernie Sanders' endorsement of Hillary Clinton's campaign for President taking over the front page and becoming the leading story on all major TV networks, it's apparent that the long-awaited revolution in the Democratic Party will not take place as scheduled. All three major TV networks, including ABC, CBS and NBC announced today that their team coverage of the revolution has been postponed indefinitely.

One dejected Sanders supporter put it this way when asked about Clinton's apparent victory, "I'm devastated by this news. All of the online polls indicated that Americans were really 'feeling the Bern.' I don't know what happened, but I suspect a conspiracy on the part of the evil banksters." Asked about Sander's endorsement of presumptive candidate Clinton, the same supporter raised a fist into the air and cried out, "Next time, we'll be victorious!"

On the GOP side, who the eventual nominee will be remains unclear. Even with several candidates leaving the field, six erstwhile Republican nominees continue to battle over fine points of their regressive proposals. Donald Trump, still holding a slight lead, said, "I'll miss that Bernie Sanders guy. I wanted to run against him. Clinton's harder." Ted Cruz, still in second place, simply squeezed his eyes shut in frustration and said, "We'll get you, Hillary Clinton, and your philandering husband, too."

Friday, January 1, 2016

Hillary Clinton Should Withdraw Now!

Clinton Cannot Win Nomination for President

H. A. Looserman

By now, it must be obvious to Democratic Candidate Hillary Clinton that she has no chance of becoming the Democratic nominee for President. Based on selected online polls, she is clearly not the choice of The American People™. Bernie Sanders is obviously the presumptive candidate at this point, a month before the Iowa primary caucuses and other February primary elections.

Corporate polling, of course, paints a different picture, but real voters know better. Ask yourself this: "Have I ever been polled by a phony corporate polling company?" The answer is clearly no. You've voted multiple times in online polls, though, conducted after a debate. You know the truth. I know the truth. I am a political pundit who has published articles in prominent places, such as Huffington Post, after all.

Given the obvious facts, it is time, I believe, for Hillary Clinton to withdraw from this campaign. By continuing, she is only perpetuating the false hopes of the majority of Democratic voters. Why would she do that? And Bill Clinton. That should not be forgotten, either. He's no better than a philandering sex addict, after all. Why would anyone vote for a wife who stuck with him after his serial misdeeds?

By withdrawing now, Ms. Clinton will escape the criticism she is sure to face from Republicans and the humiliation of having no delegates supporting her at the Democratic Nominating Convention. Why would she put herself through all that after all? If she pulls out now, she'll skip all the mess and confusion and let the choice of The American People™, Bernie Sanders, run in November. He'll be the nominee anyhow, so why not cut her losses now? I mean, really...

As the most knowledgeable political pundit writing today on a variety of important Internet websites, I'm just giving her the advice her campaign team should be giving her. Withdraw now, Hillary! Save yourself the embarrassment of a certain defeat at the convention. Listen to The American People™, for goodman's sake and do what you know you need to do.

Monday, December 14, 2015

2016 General Election to Be Conducted on Social Media

Social Media Election Venues Get Nod from Congress - Obama to Sign

Otto Cliker

In a sweeping, almost unanimous move, both the House and Senate have passed emergency legislation that will change how Americans vote forever. Ted Cruz, the junior Senator from Texas and erstwhile primary candidate for the Republican nomination, explained the reasoning behind this legislation: "The American People™ have spoken loudly and clearly. They no longer want to go to their precinct polling places to cast their votes. They want to vote on Facebook, Twitter, Reddit and other social media websites. In the quest for fairness for which Congress is well known, we're going to make that possible."

The new legislation, which President Barack Obama says he will sign, since Congress would override his veto, would shift elections to more accessible and popular venues. Voters will navigate to their favorite social media site and vote for their favorite candidate in polls administrated by the various websites. Even Pinterest will offer a voting opportunity, by allowing its members to post photos of the candidate they support.

When asked whether this might not lead to unfair voting or vote-counting issues, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said, "Heck no. People want to vote. Let them vote. What could go wrong?" Some election fraud monitors question whether or not people might vote more than once. Scalia answered their concerns with this, "Hey! If people are smart enough to game the online voting process, God bless them. We need more smart people voting. They know what The American People™ really want."

How will this new voting method affect the outcome? That remains to be seen, of course. How will people who lack access to broadband Internet access vote? Donald Trump, a leading Republican candidate, answered tersely, "Let those idiots vote at the library. They don't matter anyhow. Their votes won't count, since the computers they will use have the same Internet address. Their votes will be discarded. Who cares what they think?"

One thing appears to be certain: Elections will never be the same again. Will it be a good thing or a major disaster? At newsyoushouldntbelieve.com, we encourage everyone to click for their favorite candidate and see what happens. It couldn't hurt.

Saturday, December 12, 2015

H. A. Goodman Takes Political Writing to New Level

Universal Praise for HuffPo's H. A. Goodman

by Hy Purbolly

A new voice has risen on the political punditry horizon, and it speaks loudly and frequently about the Democratic Primary campaigns. Featured on the Huffington Post website, H. A. Goodman is penning remarkable essays about the current political landscape. Often going against the grain of common sense, he regularly champions lost causes and trumps up his favorites, regardless of normally accepted data from polling and writings of other political thinkers about Democratic Primary candidates.

You might think that people would disregard such a purveyor of contrary opinion, but that's not the case at all. On websites popular with many across the ubiquitous Internet, praise for his retrograde thinking is a commonplace, as seen in these selected examples, quoting the pundit himself. Who else is more of an expert on H. A. Goodman, after all, than H. A. Goodman?

"When Goodman Speaks, the Whole World Listens." - H.A. Goodman

"Today New Jersey Goes for Sanders, Tomorrow the Nation." - H.A.Goodman

"My Reporting on Online Polling Tells the True Story In Electoral Politics." - H.A. Goodman

"Goodman Writes for Huffington Post - The Most Trusted Name in Politics." - H.A. Goodman

"I Used to Be for Rand Paul. Now I Support Bernie Sanders. Trust Me." - H.A. Goodman

"Bernie Sanders Will Be President. I Have Spoken!" - H.A. Goodman

When will America wake up to the political genius expressed in every paragraph from this prolific writer's creative mind? That's the real question facing the nation during this primary election season. Why are some ridiculing this seasoned writer's musings? Could it be raw jealousy? Only time will tell.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Donald Trump Disputes Hitler Comparison

Trump Fights Back against Characterization as Nazi

Falls Flagg

Recent photographs of GOP candidate, Donald Trump, with his arm outstretched while talking about excluding Muslims from entering the United States, have generated a number of comparisons between Trump and hated German WWII Fuhrer Adolf Hitler.

In response to those drawing the comparison, Trump spoke today, saying, "I'm nothing like Adolf Hitler. He was a petty tyrant who hated Jews. I'm a very, very rich man who has nothing against the Jewish religion at all. I hate it when people compare me with Hitler. I prefer to think of myself more like the benevolent Italian leader, Benito Mussolini. Like me, he was a self-made man. Everyone knows that I love Italy and Italians."

He continued, "As President of the United States, I will keep Muslims out of America, not Jews. I'm nothing like Hitler. If people keep comparing me to him, I will file lawsuits against media companies that do that. I'm very good at winning lawsuits, you know. Why do you think I'm worth billions?"

Monday, December 7, 2015

How-To Article: Democratic Polling Money-Maker

Need Cash? Run an Onlne Poll and Collect Contact Info

by Cash Innow

All across the Internet, a new way to get rich is through offering Democratic Primary Polls. Here's how it works. You can join in and enrich yourself while helping Democrats show their preferences. Just follow these steps:

  1. Form a Non-Profit Organization - Give it a powerful name that evokes Democratic Party loyalty. Be sure to check to make sure someone hasn't beaten you to it.
  2. Fire up a Website With a Poll Where People Can Vote - You don't need tons of content. Just the poll will do. People are so desperate to vote in primary polls that you don't need anything else.
  3. Before Allowing People to Vote, Collect Their Info - Make your site look like you can just vote, but when visitors click the button, pop-up a form that takes their information. Just an Email address and name will do just fine.
  4. Encourage Voters to Share Your Site - People who vote in online polls love to share polls on social media. If you do this right, you can multiply the number of voters tenfold. Use standard sharing buttons to give visitors an easy way to get their friends involved.
  5. Run a Email Fundraising Letter Campaign - You have the names and email addresses. Run an email campaign that encourages donations to help their favorite candidate.. Don't ask for big donations. Just make it a $5, $10 or $20 request. Send them to Paypal and start counting!
Don't delay! The primary elections and caucuses start in February. This is a short-term money-maker, but if you do it right, you could be driving that new Beemer sooner than you think. I'm providing this tip, because it's a sure-fire winner, and there's no limit to the number of online polls some fans of candidates will vote in. 

Go For It!

Saturday, December 5, 2015

CNN/ORC Poll Invalid!

CNN Polls Orcs, Who Are Not Likely Voters

Bilbo Baggins

Supporters of Bernie Sanders are decrying CNN's most recent poll, which apparently measured the voting plans of various Orcs. "Since Orcs rarely vote in U.S. elections, the results from that CNN/ORC poll are not indicative of actual results nor can it accurately predict election results," one staffer from the Sanders campaign said today.

A call from this reporter to CNN headquarters regarding this issue went directly to voice mail and was not returned. "The entire poll raises the question of whether the Orc species is even eligible to vote," the same Sanders staffer said.

Orcs Demonstrating for Right to Vote

Bernie Sanders Wins Middle School Dessert Poll!

Middle Schoolers Choose Sanders in Dessert Poll

Shuga Rush

Using a classic, proven polling strategy, 200 students at Johnson Middle School were polled on the Democratic Primary Race yesterday, using the selection of a dessert dish in their lunchroom as the voting method. All three Democratic presidential primary candidates were represented by a famous dessert from their home state.

Students passed by three tables, each with pre-plated desserts and with a cardboard cut-out of the candidate standing behind the table. Allowed to take just one dessert, they were asked to select their favorite, based on any criteria they chose. Results were tallied following the lunch hour. Here were the dessert choices presented by each candidate, in alphabetical order:

Hillary Clinton: The classic New York City dessert, a slice of cheesecake,  was her entry in the poll.

Martin O'Malley: Indian corn pudding is a traditional dessert of Maryland, home of the former Governor.

Bernie Sanders: Chunky Monkey, a favorite of Vermont's Ben & Jerry's was Sanders' choice.

Results Show Sanders as Clear Leader
Of the 200 students participating, 150 (75%) chose the Chunky Monkey ice cream treat from Bernie Sanders, with one student commenting, "This stuff's the best!" 40 (20%) of the young teens chose Hillary Clinton's cheesecake option. Comments included, "Looks fluffy."  The Indian corn pudding offering from O'Mally, had only 3 (~2%) takers, with one student commenting, "I don't even know what that is. Ugh!" 7 (~4%) passed by all three tables, opting to skip all dessert options, perhaps for dietary reasons or simply due to indecision or adolescent ennui. 

The results are clear. Bernie Sanders is the obvious winner of this scientifically designed primary poll. With an overwhelming majority of students choosing his option, he clearly dominates the field. When translated to the national primary results, Bernie Sanders is the dominant choice as the nominee of the Democratic Party. The dessert poll at Johnson Middle School will be repeated for the general election, once candidates are known, and is likely to predict the ultimate outcome. The reliability of this poll in past elections has been spotty, however. Only time will tell.

Friday, December 4, 2015

Sanders Has Already Won Primaries!

Bernie Sanders Has Won Secret Primary Elections

Exclusive News Release!
by H.A. Poorlooser

It's not well known yet, but the outcome of the Democratic primary races has already been decided, and Bernie Sanders has won. In all 50 states, online polling shows clearly that Sanders has won every primary election and will be nominated by acclamation at the Democratic President Nominating Committee next summer.

Hard to believe? It's true, and was first revealed on a prominent Democratic website. What that means is that the entire continuing campaign for the Democratic nomination is a sham and an exercise designed only to placate the useless and clueless majority of Democratic voters.

The MSM is not covering this story of Senator Sanders' remarkable surprise victory because there is too much money to be made in advertising revenues and increased readership and viewership. By keeping The American People™ in the dark about the secret primary election that has already taken place, the MSM is ensuring that they will profit from the sham primaries that are scheduled for 2016.

Supporters of Senator Sanders should relax and not be concerned about his campaign at this point. The nomination is in the bag for him. Going forward, I will not be writing further about the Democratic primary races, but will focus my journalistic acumen on helping Rand Paul continue his masterful service to the nation in the U.S. Senate.

I'd like to thank my loyal readers for informing me of this secret election, and hope they will continue to read my editorial comments about the real election for President in November of 2016. If that election has already occurred, I hope someone will notify me soon.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Why Candidates Should Avoid Eating in Public

Candidate's Photos While Eating Are Rarely Attractive

by Eaton Bigg

When will they learn? All across America, candidates for all sorts of offices get photographed stuffing food into their faces. The results, while often amusing, rarely end up to the benefit of the candidate in question. It's not a matter of party, though. It's because eating is not generally attractive when examined closely. When photos are taken, as they always are when there is a political candidate near a camera, the public sees them engaging in one of the less attractive things people do. To wit:

Lesson: Eat privately, candidates. Please. We don't need to see that. That is all

Monday, November 23, 2015

NRA Proposes Exclusive New Gun Control Law

NRA Proposed Firearms Law Would Restrict Ownership

by Noe Schuting

In a closed news conference, Wayne LaPierre, of the National Rifle Association, today proposed a radical and exclusive firearms control law. After careful screening and passing through a metal detector and frisking, a select group of media reporters was admitted to the secure briefing room. LaPierre immediately launched into his remarks.

"The American People are shocked and dismayed at the recent violence in Paris and dangerous incidents within the United States. Firearms in the wrong hands are creating a dangerous world, and we are now proposing a federal law that would restrict firearms ownership to only those who deserve to own them. This law would impose strict limitations on who could own firearms by requiring NRA membership before a permit to own a firearm could be issued."

He continued:
"The NRA will conduct thorough screening of all membership applications and will deny membership to the following groups. Without NRA Membership they people not be able to own firearms in any form, and any currently owned will be confiscated by heavily-armed local law enforcement SWAT units:"

  1. Followers of the Islamic Religion - The reasons are quite obvious.
  2. People with Weird or Foreign Sounding Names - Why take chances?
  3. Certain Ethnic Minorities - These will be determined based on arrest statistics.
  4. Card-Carrying Democratic Party Members - Such people are anti-American.
  5. Anyone We Don't Like - Any suspicious characters will be denied a membership.

When asked if these new rules would unfairly restrict people's rights under the 2nd Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, LaPierre's reply was brief and to the point:

"We will determine what people deserve those rights."

It remains to be seen whether such an exclusive law will be enacted by Congress, of course, but LaPierre indicated that they had enough supporters lined up in the House of Representatives to pass it quickly.

As a service to our readers, we're providing a link to the NRA membership application page below: